Monday, July 11, 2011

Well I don't know for sure what day I am on....

Fourth of July really knocked me off course and I missed a few posts. So I will check the days for my next post title. Any who, I have done bad with food and o exercise during the time I was away so maybe it doesn't so much matter anyway.

Tray I did pretty good. I did have some toast with sprinkles but I actually got 2.02 miles in on my gazelle tonight so I am feeling pretty good right now. I am however really fighting the urge to go have a snack so that isn't so great. Maybe having typed that on here I will be able to resist the urge.

I haven some pretty serious family stuff going on and I wonder if that isn't leading to me wanting to sabotage. My bio father, no I am not adopted but he left my mother when I was barely 5 so even though I spent two weeks in the summer and every other holiday with him I really don't know him. Even those court forced visits have been over for a good 27 years. Well he decided to move from California to NC last September to be 'near the grandkids' but even in that time I can count on one hand the number of times we have seen them(he is married). They never called and asked us over and cranky I never thought to stop by with no invitation first. So long story even longer, a few months back my older sister who actually has a relationship with my dad and step mother god a job out of state and moved to Tennessee which prompted my bio and step to move back out west, which they were to do at the end of this month after our big 2 birthday party. So this past Friday m bio falls down the walkway at his apartment cracking his skull. While in the hospital he has a heart attack and ends up on a vent and unconscious. My step mother is beside herself. Out of his four kids o am the on physically nearest at the moment but emotionally the most detached. It isn't that I have I'll feelings towards the man, I just have no feelings. It is like they are just people I have recently met. Heck I am closer to many of my online only friends than I am with them but yet here it is. I have to be the one to be strong and help and possibly hold my step mothers hand next week when she may have to decide to pull the plug. They said if he doesn't come out of it on his own the discussion will have to be had.

I do feel bad for the step mother she is considerably younger than my bio dad, she has been with him since she was probably 22 or so(she is only 8 yrs older than me.). I honestly believe she will be fine on her own but she cant possibly believe that eight now, he is all she has ever known.

Anyway, so I am assuming I am going to try to eat my stress, I am very uncomfortable in this situation, but I am going to try to have will power. If you have read this far, say a prayer that this goes easy on my step mother and whatever happens that it is easy for my bio too. He may have never been there for me growing up but I don't wish suffering on anyone and it would be his wife that suffers anyway if he lingers.

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